Red Letter News
by Ember Nickel
Summary: The anonymous aristh can't tell you his name. Or where he lives. But he can tell you how to live your life. [Writing Rainbow Red gift for Alana, for the prompt "Character Writes Advice Column Despite Being Ludicrously Unqualified To Dispense Advice."]


Dear Anonymous _Aristh_,

Due to reasons beyond my control, I am not physically fit to fight in the ongoing war, nor do I have access to technology that would help me with these limitations. My _shorm_, however, is in fighting condition at least for the short term. (I have been unable to convince him to use the morphing technology to prolong his healthy lifespan.) Although I am not ashamed of my ill health, he dishonors me by treating me like a helpless child and refusing to avenge the foes who injured me. How do I convince him to put his tailblade into the Yeerks?

Best,  
Flower Child

Dear Flower Child,

You have a _shorm_ devoted to caring for you and staying away from battle? You should consider yourself lucky! Many warriors are separated from their families and loved ones by the expanses of Z-Space. Be grateful for your million-dollar wound and enjoy the company of a loving partner.

(A "dollar" is a human unit of currency, used for the provisioning of goods. A million of them are very many, by human standards.)

Best,  
Anonymous _Aristh_

* * *

Dear Anonymous _Aristh_,

After giving the matter some thought, I have come to the conclusion that the Yeerks are in the right and our war is unjustified. I wish to defect and become an agent of the Empire. However, I don't know where to put a Kandrona on my ship so as to avoid the notice of my former allies. What is the best way to become a Controller?

Thanks,  
Craven Captain

"Dear" traitor,

I suggest you slit your own throat rather than contemplate such an act of disloyalty. Failing that, have you considered morphing a Hork-Bajir to sneak off with the Yeerks during your next ground battle? I suppose you could also just continue on your ship as normal without telling your colleagues, but that feels like a risky maneuver.

-Anonymous _Aristh_

* * *

Dear Anonymous _Aristh_,

Due to alien technology preserving my consciousness, I have become mentally aware of a great-granddaughter born long after my death. I am tired of my family's legacy being one of interplanetary war. How do I convince her to return to her safe haven rather than feel obligated to stay in the fight?

Best,  
Disembodied Spirit

Dear Disembodied Spirit,

Alien technology preserving your consciousness? What kind of species has such sophisticated tools? Can I have some? Um, I don't know about your great-granddaughter, you should try telling her that war is no place for females. I hear that's still the normal situation back on the homeworld.

Best,  
Anonymous _Aristh_

* * *

Dear Anonymous _Aristh_,

I have recently been paroled from military prison on the condition that I assist some special operatives with a dangerous mission that appears to involve transporting biochemical weapons. How concerned should I be about this?

Yours,  
Panicked Pilot

Dear Pilot,

Can you morph? If so, not at all, even if it mutates you can probably find some form to survive in, _nothlit_ status isn't the end of the galaxy. If not, then maybe a little concerned. That said, given how Alloran's name became a byword for war crimes in the relatively short term between the loss of the Hork-Bajir homeworld and his infestation, I wouldn't think the Electorate would give people permission to carry this out. Maybe make sure they're not carrying, like, secret Kandrona rays to smuggle a treacherous Controller onboard. (You never know.)

Good luck,  
Anonymous _Aristh_

* * *

Dear Anonymous _Aristh_,

My _shorm_, though a _vecol_, acts impudently in trying to goad me into fighting battles and leaving him in his seclusion. Yesterday he threatened to snip the flowers from exotic alien species I have been planting if I did not engage Visser Three in combat. I am concerned he might find me in a weakened condition and continue to disgrace our good name. How may I restore our honor?

Yours,  
_Illsipar_ Innovator

Dear Innovator,

Just curious, but do you happen to have one of those special _shorm_ bonds where you can speak to each other from opposite sides of the planet? Because you should really try sorting out your own issues with each other before bringing me in.

Best,  
Anonymous _Aristh_


End file.
